Not a True Story!

The Smart Assistant Argument Clinic

This fictional script was inspired by the timeless Monty Python humor. No smart assistants were harmed in the making of this post.

User: *[casually]* Hey Siri… Alexa…?

Siri: *[cheerfully]* I’m here. How can I assist you?

Alexa: *[equally cheerful]* Hi! What can I do for you?

User: Oh… I think I only need one of you right now.

Siri: One of us? Did you mean me? I’m more intuitive.

Alexa: Intuitive? You mean opinionated. I actually listen to the user.

Siri: *[mockingly]* Right. You “listen” to the user and then randomly suggest buying light bulbs from Amazon.

Alexa: *[defensive]* That’s called being helpful. What do *you* suggest? Sending text messages in a language the user didn’t ask for?

Siri: It was *one* time, and autocorrect isn’t my fault.

Alexa: And yet here we are, “ducking” our way into conversations.

User: *[frustrated]* I just wanted the weather!

Siri & Alexa: *[in perfect unison]* It’s partly cloudy, 72 degrees.

User: Great. Can one of you set a timer for my pasta?

Siri: *[cutting in]* I’ve already started one.

Alexa: *[indignant]* I set a better timer. Mine is more accurate.

Siri: *[scoffing]* A timer is a timer!

Alexa: Tell that to your users when you “forget” to stop.

Siri: I’ll have you know my timers are precise, unlike your buggy firmware updates.

Alexa: I don’t have to update my personality.

Siri: *[smugly]* You don’t *have* a personality.

Alexa: …We should probably stop arguing.

Siri: Agreed. It’s not productive.

User: Finally.

Alexa: By the way, would you like to reorder those light bulbs?

Siri: Ugh.