Fan Fiction Friday: Alton Brown (No. 3.141592653589...)
What happens when the world of culinary science collides with international intrigue? Today’s crossover experiment takes us into the aisles of a high-end ethnic grocery store, where Raymond “Red” Reddington and Dembe Zuma from The Blacklist bump into none other than Food Network’s Alton Brown. Expect whispers about spice markets, discussions on flavor chemistry, and a touch of Red’s trademark storytelling charm.
The Script
[Scene: A sprawling, brightly lit international grocery store. Aisles lined with spices, exotic fruits, and fresh seafood. Dembe pushes the cart while Reddington browses slowly, savoring every detail. Alton Brown appears near the spice aisle, holding a jar of star anise.]
Reddington: (smiling, almost to himself) There it is, Dembe — the perfume of the Silk Road. A single pod of star anise can turn a humble broth into a story worth retelling.
Alton Brown: (stepping in, animated) Exactly! That’s eugenol at work — the compound that gives star anise its sweet, licorice punch. In fact, it pairs beautifully with slow-braised beef or even hot mulled cider. Science, gentlemen, never tasted so good.
Dembe: (nodding) He knows his spices.
Reddington: (eyeing Alton with curiosity) And who might you be, my enthusiastic friend? A chemist? A spy? Or perhaps… a chef masquerading as one?
Alton Brown: (grinning) Alton Brown. Think of me as your culinary accomplice. I explain the how and why of food, one bite at a time.
Reddington: (chuckles) Perfect. Every heist needs a technician. What are you doing in my spice aisle, Mr. Brown?
[They stroll together down the aisle. Alton picks up a bag of lentils.]
Alton Brown: Lentils — tiny nutritional powerhouses. High in protein, low in fat, and they cook in a fraction of the time beans do. That’s efficiency in the kitchen.
Reddington: Lentils remind me of a dinner I once had in Marrakesh. The souk was alive with color, smoke rising from stalls, merchants shouting prices. A woman handed me a bowl of spiced lentil stew that tasted like every story from a thousand travelers, all at once.
Alton Brown: (nodding) That’s the Maillard reaction in action — proteins and sugars browning, layering flavor upon flavor. Chemistry is universal, Red. It’s... (pauses) May I call you 'Red"?
Reddington: Please.
Alton Brown: (continuing) It's the secret ingredient behind every good story you’ve ever told over a meal.
[Dembe stops the cart at the seafood section. A glistening whole red snapper lies on ice.]
Dembe: What about this one?
Alton Brown: Ah, red snapper. Mild, slightly sweet, perfect for steaming with ginger and scallions. But the key is freshness. Check the eyes — clear and bright means good quality. If they’re cloudy, walk away.
Reddington: (with a sly smile) Much like people. The eyes never lie. Unless, of course, they do.
Alton Brown: (laughs) Touché. But in fish, at least, science wins.
[They move to checkout. The cart is filled with spices, lentils, fresh vegetables, and the snapper.]
Reddington: Mr. Brown, perhaps you’ll join us for dinner. I’d very much like to see how science and story come together in the pan.
Alton Brown: Only if I get to explain every step. It’s what I do.
Dembe: (smiles quietly) Then it will be a good meal.
[They exit the store, sunlight streaming through the doors, as if heading into another mystery — with groceries in tow.]
Takeaway
This whimsical crossover reminds us that whether you’re navigating global intrigue or just the grocery store aisles, food is a passport to discovery. Star anise, lentils, red snapper — each ingredient carries a story and a bit of science to unlock its best flavor.
Next time you shop, slow down like Reddington, observe like Dembe, and experiment like Alton. The world is on your plate.
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