Fan Fiction Friday: Just the Eats
Fictional crossover featuring Alton Brown with Sgt. Joe Friday and Officer Bill Gannon. Based on the Dragnet Season 4 Episode 17: A.I.D. The Weekend
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| Yes, that's not Harry Morgan... |
[Scene: Gannon’s living room, evening. A card table, pumpernickel bread, and a small spread of condiments are set out. A knock at the door.]
Gannon: Come in, gentlemen! You’re just in time for something truly extraordinary.
Friday: If it’s another one of your “culinary experiments,” Bill, I’m filing it under evidence before it reaches the table.
Alton Brown (setting down a camera bag): I heard there was food involved. That’s my jurisdiction. What’s on the menu?
Gannon: Garlic Nutbutter Sandwiches, Alton. A specialty of the house. Cream cheese on one slice of pumpernickel, peanut butter on the other, and crushed garlic dripped for that secret kick!
Alton Brown: (eyes widening) Oh, Bill, that’s bold. You’re crossing the flavor Rubicon! But let me help you optimize. Ever consider a topping of seared foie gras? Maybe a shaving of truffle for the umami bridge? Or—hear me out—thin-sliced cow brain for texture contrast?
Friday: (flatly) Brains?
Alton Brown: Culinary science, Sergeant. High in phospholipids. Flavor chemistry doesn’t lie.
Gannon: I like it! Adds character. Maybe pair it with a nice pilsner.
Friday: That’s not character, that’s evidence of a crime against lunch. What’s next—rocky mountain oysters flambé?
Alton Brown: (snapping fingers) Brilliant! You’re reading my mise en place, Joe. We could caramelize the…
Friday: (interrupting) Hold it. Let’s stick to your first offense.
[Gannon proudly cuts the sandwich into four squares and offers them around. Alton takes one enthusiastically; Friday regards his piece like it’s radioactive.]
Gannon: Gentlemen, behold—lunch innovation. Taste it and tell me you’ve lived!
Friday: (taking a cautious bite, instantly regretting it) I’ve lived, Bill. I’m also dying.
Alton Brown: (chewing thoughtfully) You know, this isn’t half bad with the right expectation curve. Think rustic street-food energy meets post-modern pantry raid.
Gannon: You see, Joe? A professional likes it!
Friday: I see a professional with stronger taste buds than good sense.
[Everyone chuckles except Friday, who pours himself more coffee.]
Friday: Bill, next time you invent dinner, give me a warning label. Those are just some facts I could do without.
[Cue closing narration music—snare drum rhythm, muted trumpet riff.]
Narrator (voice-over): The story you have just read is fictional. The flavors, unfortunately, were real.
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