Fan Fiction Friday: Never mess with a Marine's coffee if you want to live
Intro
This is a playful, fictional crossover experiment: Food Network’s Alton Brown collides with NCIS. In Gibbs’ interrogation room, a cup of sabotaged coffee becomes the catalyst for science, humor, and one of Gibbs’ rare compliments.
Script
[Scene: NCIS interrogation room. The lights are dim, the air tense. GIBBS sits at the table, his ever-present coffee cup in hand. ALTON BROWN sits across from him, adjusting his glasses. Behind the glass, MCGEE, BISHOP, and DINOZZO watch with curiosity.]
GIBBS: (sipping) Someone sabotaged the SECNAV’s morning coffee. That’s not something I take lightly.
ALTON: (hands up defensively) Sabotage? Please. I’m incapable of harming coffee. Elevating it? Absolutely. But ruining it? That’s against my culinary religion.
[GIBBS leans in, eyes narrowing. He sets his cup down slowly.]
GIBBS: Convince me.
ALTON: Gladly. Coffee brewing depends on grind size, water temperature, and brew time. But here’s where it gets interesting—
[He glances toward the lab.]
ALTON: Abby, what’s the barometric pressure right now?
ABBY (offstage): 29.92 inches. Dead-on perfect.
ALTON: Thank you! See, water boils at 212°F at this pressure. That’s why I brew at 202°F. Change the pressure—storm rolls in over the Plains, pressure drops—and suddenly you’ve got different extraction rates. Whoever made that bad pot ignored physics as well as flavor.
[MCGEE’s eyebrows shoot up. DINOZZO mouths, “Did he just call the weather report for coffee?”]
GIBBS: (gruff) Prove it.
[Cut to the NCIS break room. ALTON has transformed the counter into a mini Good Eats set: scales, grinder, gooseneck kettle. Agents gather like students at a lecture.]
ALTON: Medium-fine grind. Water at 202°F—adjusted for today’s pressure. Thirty-second bloom, four-minute extraction. Gentle swirl. Science in a mug.
[He pours. The aroma fills the air. GIBBS takes a sip. His face softens just enough to be noticed. A long pause. Then—]
GIBBS: (flat, but approving) That’s coffee.
ALTON: (crossing arms, satisfied) Sabotage tastes like cardboard. That cup? That’s art, chemistry, and respect.
[GIBBS sets the mug down and stands abruptly. The agents freeze.]
GIBBS: He didn’t do it. Someone framed him. Find out who.
[The team scatters. Gibbs lingers for a beat, eyes still on Alton.]
GIBBS: (quietly, almost to himself) He’s incapable of making bad coffee.
[ALTON exhales, relieved. A tiny grin crosses his face. He’s already drafting an episode in his head: “Espresso Espionage — When Science Clears Your Name.”]
Wrap-Up
Sometimes the truth isn’t in fingerprints or files. Sometimes it’s in the cup. For Creative Cooking with AI, the lesson is simple: precision, patience, and a little science can brew respect in the unlikeliest places. Which crossover should Alton stumble into next?
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