Fan Fiction Friday: A Little Bit Science, a Little Bit Snark and Soul
INT. SOUNDSTAGE – DAY
(Due to a schedule snafu, the set for two television shows are scheduled at the same time. They collide in one unfortunate rectangle of studio space. Stage left: a sparkling retro music set with a glowing sign that reads “I’m a Little Bit Country.” Stage right: amplifiers, lights, and a banner screaming “I’m a Little Bit Rock & Roll.” Center stage: a stainless-steel prep table, convection oven, and a man wearing glasses, a bowtie, and a look of growing concern.)
ALTON (to camera) Welcome back. Today we’re making traditional cookies—an elegant system of butterfat emulsions, sugar crystallization, and controlled thermal transfer.
MARIE (from stage left, twirling) 🎵 I’m a little bit country! 🎵
ALTON And… yodel-adjacent input.
(A drum fill explodes from stage right.)
ALTON (pauses, blinks) And apparently… percussion.
(Alton resumes creaming butter and sugar.)
DONNY (belting) 🎵 I’m a little bit rock and roll! 🎵
ALTON Cookies are about balance. Precision. Discipline.
(Marie wanders over, peering into the mixing bowl.)
MARIE Oh my goodness, that smells wonderful. Is this edible yet?
ALTON No. It is a proto-dough. A transitional state. It must not be—
(Donny appears, guitar slung low.)
DONNY You know what this needs?
ALTON Silence.
DONNY A key change. (Music swells. Marie claps. The dough mixer shudders as bass vibrations ripple across the counter.)
ALTON (raising his voice) The gluten structure cannot survive arena volume!
(Marie dips a spoon into the bowl.)
MARIE Oh, that’s dangerously good.
ALTON That is raw egg!
MARIE I grew up on a ranch. (pre-recorded audience laughter)
(Donny takes a bite too.)
DONNY Little bit science… little bit snark and soul.
ALTON Zero percent baked.
(The bowl is now empty.)
ALTON (staring into it) Ladies and gentlemen, what we’ve learned today is this: when uncontrolled variables invade a system, the cookies never make it to the oven.
(Donny and Marie strike a pose mid-duet.)
MARIE Want to sing us out?
ALTON (hesitating) I’m a little bit science. A little bit snark and soul.
(Beat.)
ALTON And now… I need new dough.
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