Alton Brown Goes Behind the Wire: A Hogan’s Heroes Crossover
Sometimes, culinary creativity meets classic television in the most unexpected ways. Today’s playful
The Script
[Scene: The barracks at Stalag 13. Hogan, LeBeau, Newkirk, Carter, and Kinch sit around the table playing cards. The faint “clink-clink” echoes from beneath the floorboards.]
Carter: (perks up) Did you hear that? Someone’s in the tunnel!
Newkirk: We’re not expectin’ anybody. This could be trouble.
LeBeau: Or maybe a miracle…
[The trapdoor opens through the bunk. A bespectacled man in a bow tie climbs up, balancing a box.]
Hogan: Hold it! Who are you, and what’s the password?
Alton Brown: (smiles) The name’s Brown. Alton Brown. Code name… Santa Claus. I hear you’re Papa Bear?
Hogan: (grins) He's clear. Well, Santa, what’s in the sleigh?
[Brown sets the box on the table and opens it.]
Alton Brown: Gifts! A bamboo cutting board and steak knives for LeBeau. Not as fast as oak, but just as strong — and lighter. There's a war going on, y'know! For Kinch: infrared and digital radio equipment… with a side of sweet camera tech. Carter, you can use some it for remote detonations.
Kinch: Infrared and digital… this is years ahead of anything the Krauts have. We’ll put it to good use.
Carter: Santa Claus, you just made my job a whole lot easier.
Alton Brown: For Newkirk, a pair of lockpick tool sets — state of the art.
Newkirk: (Slowly, inspecting closely) Very nice indeed... I appreciate this! Two sets? Are you sure?
Alton Brown: Two is one, one is none. And for you Colonel Hogan...
[He pulls out a burlap sack with a flourish.]
Alton Brown: Two pounds of fresh coffee beans. Whole, aromatic, and ready to brew--after you grind the beans of course! Here's a really good quality and compact coffee grinder. Grinding increases surface area — which means maximum flavor extraction!
Hogan: (mock salutes) Santa Claus, you’re a hero.
[Brown continues.]
Alton Brown: There's more! Down in the tunnel, I’ve installed a quiet refrigerator and freezer. Stocked with steak, eggs, milk, cheese, and — because I can’t help myself — a wide selection of herbs and spices.
Carter: (peeking out the window) Uh-oh. Hey, Schultz is coming!
Alton Brown: Just Schultz?
Carter: Yeah, just him.
Alton Brown: Good. He’s been a very good boy… for the Allies. I've got something for him, too! LeBeau, I'll need your help.
LeBeau: Pour des couteaux comme ça, je donnerais mon dernier croissant !”
Carter: Huh?
Alton Brown: He said, "For knives like these, I’d give up my last croissant."
Kinch: I bet he wouldn't give up a girl for the steak knives.
Alton Brown and Lebeau: (in unison) You can always find another set of steak knives.
[Enter Sergeant Schultz, waddling in nervously.]
Schultz: Halt! I see… (squints) I see… who is that man?
Hogan: Schultz, this is Santa Claus.
Schultz: (frowns) Where is his red suit? His beard?
Alton Brown: In disguise. The Gestapo doesn’t approve of Santa Claus.
Schultz: (eyes widen, nods solemnly) Ja, ja. That makes sense. I see nothing! … but maybe a little present?
Alton Brown: For you, Sergeant, I’ve brought an authentic American cowboy dinner. LeBeau will prepare it: a Texas T-bone steak, a sweet potato the size of your boot, and a big mess of baked beans.
[Schultz’s eyes go wide as Alton steps to the center of the barracks, gesturing to the rafters.]
Alton Brown: Picture this: the rafters above us are the grill grates. The glowing coals beneath — that’s where we’re standing. The steak rests up top, searing to a mahogany perfection. As fat drips down — sizzle, pop! — the smoke rises back up, basting the meat with flavor. That’s the chemistry of grilling, gentlemen. Protein meets Maillard reaction. Fire meets flavor.
Schultz: (mouth watering) Ohhh… the smoke… the steak… I must have this dinner!
LeBeau: Don’t worry, mon ami. Tonight, I will cook like a Texan!
Hogan: And tomorrow, Schultz — you didn’t see Santa Claus here, right?
Schultz: (wiping drool, nodding) I see nothing… except maybe one big steak.
[The men laugh as the camera pans out, the sound of sizzling imagined in the rafters above.]
Takeaway
This fictional crossover reminds us that even in the unlikeliest places — a POW camp sitcom, for example — food science and storytelling can bring people together. Alton Brown’s lesson on grilling is more than entertainment: it’s chemistry, it’s history, and it’s dinner.
Try it at home: next time you grill, watch how the juices fall, ignite, and circle back as smoke. That’s flavor science working for you.
What crossover should we cook up next? Leave your ideas in the comments — maybe Alton Brown at Station 51 kitchen with Gage and DeSoto, or whipping up soufflés in the Cheers bar for Cliff and Norm?
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