Fan Fiction Friday
The Waltons: The Man Who Would Be Cook
Setting
The Walton farmhouse kitchen, the day before Thanksgiving. The family is buzzing with activity. And somehow—through reasons even he doesn’t understand—Alton Brown has arrived on Walton’s Mountain.
Scene 1 — A Stranger on the Mountain
[EXT. WALTONS’ FRONT PORCH – MORNING]
JOHN-BOY (calling inside): There’s a fella here… says his name is Alton Brown?
ALTON (confused but polite): Hi. Yes. Um. Somehow I ended up here. Big fan, by the way.
GRANDPA (squinting): He looks like a man who can work.
JOHN SR.: Good. We got work.
[Action Direction]
The Waltons immediately put Alton to work in the only way they know: chores.
And while he gives each task a sincere effort, it becomes clear that Walton Mountain skills don’t always line up with Food Network expertise.
[EXT. GARDEN]
Alton crouches to pull weeds but keeps pausing to lecture them like ingredients.
ALTON: “See, in culinary terms, you are the unwanted garnish—”
MARY ELLEN (laughing): “Just yank ’em, mister!”
[EXT. SAWMILL]
He stacks fresh-cut boards with precision worthy of kitchen mise en place.
JASON: “Uh… Alton? We don’t alphabetize lumber.”
ALTON (sheepish): “Force of habit.”
[EXT. ROOF ]
Alton hammers a loose shingle carefully, each strike deliberate.
GRANDPA (calling up): “Son, it’s a roof, not crème brûlée—give it a whack!”
ALTON: “Structural pastry work is new to me!”
[EXT. FRONT PORCH]
He paints the porch railing with slow, deliberate strokes and an ongoing narration.
ALTON: “Always with the grain. Like slicing flank steak.”
BEN (to John-Boy): “Is he… narrating?”
[INT. WORKSHOP ]
Alton tightens bolts on a wobbly chair; it almost sits straight.
GRANDPA (testing it, wobbling): “Close enough for sittin’. Not for company.”
[Beat]
Despite his best efforts, every task keeps him away from where he truly shines.
ALTON (dryly): “So… anybody need a roux? A glaze? A brine?”
ERIN: “Nope! Chores first. Thanksgiving waits for nobody!”
ALTON (breathless): I—just—want—to help in the kitchen. I’m a chef!
ELIZABETH (laughing): Everybody wants kitchen duty till they see what Mama’s up against!
Scene 2 — Olivia’s Breaking Point
[INT. KITCHEN – AFTERNOON]
Olivia is elbow-deep in Thanksgiving prep. There are pies cooling, dough rising, poultry thawing, and the unmistakable mountain of onions waiting for the stuffing.
OLIVIA (exhausted): Ben! Mary Ellen! Erin! Somebody chop these onions!
Everyone suddenly becomes very interested in literally anything else.
ALTON (stepping in hopefully): I can help! I really can cook—
OLIVIA (snaps): Fine! You want kitchen duty? Here. Ten onions. Chop them.
GRANDMA ESTHER: And don’t lose a finger!
[Action Direction]
Alton steps forward, cracks his knuckles, and pulls a pocket-sized travel knife he "somehow" has with him.
[MONTAGE]
- Razor-sharp, lightning-fast slicing
- Perfect julienne
- Zero tears
- Clean cuts stacked neatly like they came out of a culinary textbook
The room goes silent.
GRANDPA (deadpan): Well… maybe you should work in the kitchen.
Scene 3 — The Thanksgiving Rescue
[INT. KITCHEN – EVENING]
With a nod from Olivia, Alton is officially conscripted. The Waltons gather to assist.
ALTON: Alright team, let’s talk workflow. Jason, you baste the turkey. Erin, you handle the biscuits. Jim-Bob—
JIM-BOB (grinning): Can I operate something with gears?
ALTON: …Yes. The hand mixer.
[Action Direction]
The entire kitchen transforms into a coordinated operation. Laughter. Flour clouds. Grandpa sneaking pie samples. Alton showing Mary Ellen how to brown butter properly. Olivia amazed that things are ahead of schedule for the first time in family history.
OLIVIA (softly): Thank you, Mr. Brown. Tomorrow’s feast might just be the best one we’ve ever had.
ALTON (smiling): Happy to be of service. Also, if anyone sees a portal back to 2025… call me.
Comments