Alton Brown Rides with Rowdy Yates
Alton Brown fan fiction crossover index
Some crossovers write themselves. Winter on the trail was never easy for the Rawhide crew, and cooking for hungry cowboys under a hard sky took grit, timing, and a cast-iron skillet that knew how to behave in the cold. So what happens when Rowdy Yates meets a modern culinary mind with an eye for science?
Today’s Fan Fiction Friday imagines that very meeting—Alton Brown stepping into the world of Rawhide, complete with winter winds, trail beans, and an unexpected lesson from an AI assistant that somehow made the journey west.
Scene One — A Cold Morning on the Drive
[EXT. WINTER RANGELAND – DAWN]
Snow dusts the ground. The long cattle line stretches across the plain like a slow-moving river. ROWDY YATES rides up toward the chuck wagon, breath clouding in the cold.
WISHBONE bangs two pans together—not out of frustration (though close), but trying to wake the fire.
WISHBONE (grumbling): Cold’s so deep today it froze my biscuit dough into a single unit. I might use it as a wheel.
Rowdy dismounts, eyeing a stranger kneeling by the fire pit—a man in a modern parka, inspecting a battered Dutch oven like it’s a scientific instrument.
ROWDY: You lost, friend?
ALTON BROWN looks up, cheerful, as if appearing in the wrong century is no big deal.
ALTON: Not lost. Just… slightly displaced. Dimensional hiccup. Happens.
WISHBONE squints suspiciously.
WISHBONE: He talk like that on purpose?
ALTON: Only when I'm awake.
ROWDY: All right, mister. Name?
ALTON: Alton Brown. Culinary ambassador. Traveling with—well… this.
He holds up a small glowing device. It emits a warm pulse of light.
WISHBONE: That thing gonna explode?
ALTON: Not unless you feed it spoiled beans. Speaking of which—
He gestures toward the simmering pot.
ALTON: Your simmer temperature’s about thirty degrees too low for the starch to break down evenly.
WISHBONE bristles.
WISHBONE: Been cookin’ since you were knee-high to a corn biscuit!
ALTON (pleasantly): Yes, and that experience is valuable. But winter cooking on the trail follows physics, not pride.
ROWDY: Let him show you, Wish.
Wishbone huffs but steps back. Alton adjusts the pot angle, adds clean water from his canteen, and evaluates the fire pattern like a scientist calibrating a burner.
The AI device buzzes, projecting a tiny graph.
AI ASSISTANT: Temperature optimal. Estimated simmer time: 27 minutes.
ROWDY (stunned): Your canteen talk?
ALTON: Long story.
Scene Two — A Lesson on Winter Weather and Cattle
[EXT. TRAIL – LATER]
Rowdy and Alton ride side by side. The herd’s lowing creates a steady winter rhythm.
ROWDY: Trail’s tough this time of year. Cattle spook easy when the wind shifts cold.
ALTON: Cold’s predictable. Reactions aren’t. You’ve got clustering behavior in your herd—see how those three groups keep edging closer? Classic cold-stress signal.
Rowdy raises an eyebrow.
ROWDY: You get that off your talkin’ tin?
ALTON: Nope. My eyes. The tech just confirms it.
The AI chimes again.
AI ASSISTANT: Cluster density increasing seven percent. Recommend shelter or wind break within two hours.
ROWDY: We don’t have shelter on a drive.
ALTON: But you do have terrain. That ridge? Cuts the wind. Move the herd, you’ll reduce stress and save calories.
ROWDY studies Alton, then the ridge.
ROWDY: You see all that from here?
ALTON: Science, Rowdy. It’s the same whether you’re in a kitchen or the open range.
Scene Three — Wishbone Concedes (Reluctantly)
[EXT. CHUCK WAGON – NOON]
The crew gathers for lunch. They’re cautious at first—new cook, strange tools—but then the aroma hits. Warm, rich beans with depth from slow, even simmering.
WISHBONE tastes a spoonful.
WISHBONE (grudging admiration): Well… I’ll be. They ain’t crunchy in the middle.
ALTON: That’s the magic of consistent heat transfer.
Wishbone hands Alton a plate.
WISHBONE: You stick around, you cook supper.
ALTON: I accept. But only if I get to reorganize your spice crate.
Wishbone recoils.
WISHBONE: Boy, don’t push your luck.
Scene Four — Farewell on the Ridge
[EXT. RIDGE – SUNSET]
The sky burns orange over winter grass. Alton stands with Rowdy while the cattle settle into protection from the wind.
ROWDY: Can’t say I understand where you’re from, Brown. But you helped us today.
ALTON: Knowledge is knowledge. Trail or kitchen—it travels well.
The AI device beeps.
AI ASSISTANT: Dimensional alignment detected. Return window opening.
ROWDY: Guess that’s your cue.
ALTON (grinning): If you ever need help temping a Dutch oven in subzero wind… well, I probably won’t hear you. But I’ll think of you every time I adjust my flame.
They shake hands.
In a blink of warm light, Alton vanishes—leaving behind a perfectly seasoned cast-iron lid resting on a rock.
Rowdy picks it up, smiling.
ROWDY: Wishbone’s gonna hate that he likes this.
Closing Thoughts
Winter pushes both kitchens and cattle drives to their limits. In this imagined crossover, Alton Brown brings science, humor, and a pocket-sized AI tool to a world where fire, weather, and instinct rule the day. Technology or not, the heart of the routine remains the same: cook well, pay attention, and use what you have to make the work easier.
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