Fan Fiction Friday: Little Chef on the Prairie
Alton Brown fan fiction crossover index
Scene One: A Curious Arrival
[EXT. INGALLS HOMESTEAD – MORNING]
LAURA carries a pail. MA kneads dough. PA chops wood. A sudden flash fills the yard.
ALTON (stumbling forward)
Uh… this is not the Food Network studio.
PA (hand on hat)
Who might you be, stranger?
ALTON
Alton Brown. I do… food science. And possibly unplanned time travel.
His AI device chirps in his hand.
AI DEVICE (tinny voice)
Frontier Mode activated. Accuracy not guaranteed.
MA (practical)
Well, since you're here, breakfast won't cook itself.
Scene Two: First Look at a Frontier Kitchen
[INT. INGALLS KITCHEN – CONTINUOUS]
Cast-iron pans, wood stove, simple tools.
ALTON (delighted)
Oh, this is gorgeous. Low tech, but incredibly efficient.
LAURA (curious)
Do you really know how to make food with… science?
AI DEVICE
Recommend: preheat convection oven to 375°F.
MA (frowning)
What on earth is a “conviction” oven?
ALTON (sighing, pockets device)
Not helpful right now.
Scene Three: Biscuit Demonstration
[ALTON sets up ingredients: flour, lard, milk]
ALTON
Step one—cold fat makes flaky biscuits. It's all about steam expansion.
PA (nodding too quickly)
Yep. Knew that.
MA (dryly)
You most certainly did not.
LAURA watches as Alton cuts fat into flour.
LAURA
Mr. Brown, can you teach me to write all this down?
ALTON
Absolutely. Every pioneer town needs its first food journalist.
He places the biscuits near—not directly inside—the stove’s hottest area.
ALTON (whispering)
Thermal gradients… the prairie’s secret weapon.
Scene Four: Nellie Oleson Makes an Entrance
[DOOR BURSTS OPEN]
NELLIE (ribbons bouncing)
I heard rumors of “Brown Biscuits.” I’ll need six dozen for the store!
MA
Nellie, go home.
ALTON (to Laura)
I've met her type at production meetings.
LAURA snickers loudly.
Scene Five: AI Glitches (Again)
The AI device crackles.
AI DEVICE
Rewriting recipe for 1870s environment.
Substitute: baking powder → beaten snow.
Temperature: “as hot as Ma’s temper.”
Cook time: “until Tom Sawyer finishes a chapter.”
MA (folding arms)
Your machine has quite the imagination.
ALTON (embarrassed)
It confuses creativity with accuracy.
Scene Six: Biscuits of Destiny
The biscuits come out perfectly golden.
MA (actually smiling)
These are wonderful.
PA (clapping Alton’s shoulder)
If you’re ever stuck out here again, we’ll take you in.
LAURA (hopeful)
Will you stay long enough to teach more?
ALTON
Laura, trust me—you’re going to write things the whole world will read someday.
Scene Seven: A Warm Goodbye
AI DEVICE
Temporal displacement corrected. Ready for return.
ALTON
Keep cooking smart. And trust the cast iron.
He vanishes in a final flash.
PA
Well… that was something.
MA (taking another biscuit)
At least he cleaned up after himself.
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