86 that Agent 86!
Alton Brown fan fiction crossover index
Fictional crossover story inspired by classic television comedy and food entertainment personalities.
CONTROL Headquarters had handled international espionage, missing nuclear scientists, and rogue spy satellites.
They were not prepared for the missing cheese shipment.
Scene 1 — CONTROL Headquarters
Chief: “Max, we have a serious problem.”
Maxwell Smart: “Would you believe... a mildly irritating inconvenience?”
Chief: “No, Smart. KAOS has infiltrated the International Culinary Championship.”
Agent 99: “Several ingredient shipments have disappeared. Judges are receiving fake olive oil, synthetic vanilla, and powdered cheese labeled as imported parmesan.”
Max: “The old powdered cheese and fake judge in the salad bar trick. Classic KAOS.”
Chief: “We’re bringing in a specialist.”
The conference room door opened dramatically.
In walked Alton Brown carrying a cast-iron skillet and a notebook.
Max: “You’re the specialist?”
Alton Brown: “Food fraud leaves clues. Most criminals overlook chemistry.”
Max: “I once solved a pudding incident in Brussels.”
99: “Max accidentally locked himself inside a refrigerated dessert truck.”
Max: “A tactical refrigeration maneuver.”
Scene 2 — The Culinary Championship
The championship floor looked like a cross between a television cooking competition and an international trade summit.
Chefs hurried between prep stations while cameras rolled overhead.
Alton examined a cutting board covered with herbs.
Alton: “Interesting.”
99: “What did you find?”
Alton: “These basil leaves were frozen and thawed. Texture damage along the edges.”
Max: “Would you believe tiny ninja attacks?”
99: “No, Max.”
Max: “How about very small garden gnomes?”
99: “Still no.”
Suddenly, a waiter carrying soup tripped near the judges’ table.
Alton caught the bowl midair without spilling a drop.
Max: “Remarkable reflexes.”
Alton: “Years of dodging hot sugar.”
Scene 3 — KAOS Revealed
Inside the storage area, Agent 99 discovered stacks of counterfeit ingredient labels.
99: “Max, look at this.”
A shadowy figure emerged from behind a pallet of canned tomatoes.
KAOS Agent: “You’re too late! Soon every restaurant in the city will serve imitation truffle oil!”
Max: “You fiend.”
KAOS Agent: “The customers will never know the difference.”
Alton: “Actually, many probably won’t. Real truffle oil chemistry is more complicated than people think.”
Everyone paused awkwardly.
Max: “Perhaps this is not the dramatic speech moment we hoped for.”
The KAOS agent pressed a button.
Conveyor belts activated across the kitchen floor. Containers of fake ingredients began moving toward the competition stations.
99: “They’re contaminating the entire event!”
Max: “Quick, Smart thinking!”
99: “You’re talking to yourself again.”
Suddenly, alarms sounded across the prep station.
KAOS Agent: “86 the olives!”
Max: “86 that Agent 86? Impossible. I’m standing right here.”
KAOS Agent: “No, remove the olives!”
Max: “Remove me? Why would anyone remove me?”
99: “Max, he means the restaurant term. ‘86’ means to remove something from service.”
Max: “Obviously they named it after me.”
Alton Brown: “That would explain several restaurant closures.”
Scene 4 — The Kitchen Showdown
Alton grabbed a large whiteboard marker.
Alton: “Food systems rely on process flow. Interrupt the flow, stop the contamination.”
He quickly sketched a kitchen workflow diagram:
Ingredient Intake
↓
Verification
↓
Prep Station
↓
Cooking Line
↓
PlatingAlton: “KAOS bypassed verification.”
99: “Then we shut down the prep line.”
Max: “And save dinner.”
Max dramatically leaped toward the emergency cutoff switch.
He missed completely and crashed into a rolling rack of mixing bowls.
Max: “Missed it by that much.”
Agent 99 calmly pressed the correct switch.
The conveyors stopped instantly.
Security agents rushed into the kitchen as the KAOS operatives attempted escape through the walk-in freezer.
Max: “Nobody escapes CONTROL.”
99: “Especially not through the frozen seafood section.”
Scene 5 — The Final Dish
With the competition saved, the judges still needed a championship meal.
Alton stepped into the kitchen.
Alton: “All right. We work with what we have.”
The remaining chefs joined him.
Cast-iron pans heated. Fresh herbs were chopped. Butter foamed in stainless steel skillets.
Max attempted to flambé mushrooms and accidentally ignited a towel.
99: “Max!”
Max: “Controlled fire event.”
Thirty minutes later, plates rolled out to cheering judges and relieved contestants.
The final menu included:
- herb-crusted chicken
- garlic roasted vegetables
- cast-iron skillet cornbread
- dark chocolate bread pudding
Chief: “Excellent work, Smart.”
Max: “Thank you, Chief.”
Chief: “I was talking to Agent 99 and Mr. Brown.”
Max sighed.
Max: “Missed it by that much.”
Closing Scene
As the celebration continued, Alton looked across the busy kitchen.
Alton: “You know, food systems are a lot like espionage.”
99: “How so?”
Alton: “Success usually depends on process, timing, and keeping humans in command when things get weird.”
Max: “I should put that on my business card.”
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