Fan Fiction Friday: The Beer Clinical Trial
Fictional crossover story for entertainment purposes.
The familiar door swings open at Cheers. Everybody looks up. Standing there in a brown sport coat, carrying a notebook and staring curiously at the taps behind the bar, is Alton Brown.
NORM: “It’s either a food inspector or the world’s smartest substitute teacher.”
CLIFF: “Actually, Normie, judging by the posture and notebook placement, that appears to be television culinary personality Alton Brown.”
ALTON: “You are correct.”
CLIFF: “Ha! Postal training.”
SAM MALONE walks over polishing a glass.
SAM: “Welcome to Cheers. What brings you here?”
ALTON: “Research.”
CARLA: “Great. Another guy with opinions.”
ALTON smiles.
ALTON: “Actually, I came to study beer.”
NORM: “Finally. My life’s work is being recognized.”
Cliff eagerly pulls out a folded chart from his jacket pocket.
CLIFF: “Beer is one of civilization’s most important developments. Ancient postal systems probably depended heavily upon it.”
CARLA: “Your bloodstream depends heavily upon it.”
Alton begins sketching diagrams on a napkin.
ALTON: “Beer is fascinating because flavor depends on chemistry, temperature, carbonation, bitterness, aroma compounds... even glass shape. Oh, AND oxidation!.”
WOODY: “I once oxidized a toaster.”
SAM: “How?”
WOODY: “Honestly, Sam, nobody really knows. The fire department couldn't figure it out.”
Frasier Crane enters from the pool room carrying a mug.
FRASIER: “Did someone mention aroma compounds?”
CARLA: “Oh good. The professor smelled free attention.”
Frasier adjusts his tie and takes on the tone of a university lecturer.
FRASIER: “Gentlemen, we are approaching this incorrectly. Beer appreciation deserves rigorous scientific analysis.”
CLIFF: “Exactly!”
FRASIER: “I propose a structured longitudinal study.”
SAM: “In English?”
FRASIER: “We carefully evaluate beer quality over a three-year period using standardized metrics.”
ALTON: “Interesting.”
FRASIER: “We score body, bitterness, mouthfeel, carbonation, finish, aroma complexity, drinkability, and emotional response.”
CLIFF: “That’s brilliant.”
CARLA: “That’s unemployed.”
NORM slowly raises his hand.
NORM: “I volunteer for science.”
SAM: “Norm, you already volunteer for science every afternoon.”
FRASIER: “No no, this would require discipline.”
NORM: “I’m willing to suffer for academic excellence.”
CARLA: “His liver just filed for witness protection.”
Alton becomes increasingly excited and starts drawing charts across multiple napkins.
ALTON: “We could absolutely do this properly.”
He starts listing variables.
Beer Score =
(Body + Aroma + Finish + Drinkability)
- Oxidation Penalty
+ Proper Glassware Bonus
WOODY studies the equation carefully.
WOODY: “I think my uncle would fail that math.”
CLIFF: “See, Woody, beer science combines chemistry, sociology, economics, and refrigeration engineering.”
CARLA: “And bad decisions.”
Frasier now appears completely committed.
FRASIER: “This could become one of the great modern behavioral studies.”
NORM: “I already feel smarter.”
SAM: “That’s the third beer talking.”
NORM: “It always does, Sammy.”
Three hours later, the entire bar is covered with charts, scorecards, beer glasses, and stained napkins. Frasier proudly reviews the final calculations.
FRASIER: “After extensive testing, we have reached our conclusion.”
Everyone leans in.
FRASIER: “The best tasting beer is…”
Dramatic pause.
FRASIER: “…the one somebody else is buying.”
The bar erupts in cheers.
NORM: “Science wins again.”
CARLA: “Wonderful. Humanity peaks in a bar tab study.”
Alton raises his glass.
ALTON: “To good food, good beer, and highly questionable research methods.”
EVERYONE: “Cheers!”
Comments