The Many Loves of Alton Brown
Alton Brown fan fiction crossover index
Scene: Gillis Grocery Market. Morning.
HERBERT GILLIS is arranging produce with military precision. DOBIE stocks fruit while watching customers. MAYNARD G. KREBS slowly pushes a broom, clearly hoping nobody notices.
HERBERT: Dobie! Apples belong with apples. Not beside the onions.
DOBIE: Yes, Pop.
MAYNARD: You know what would solve this?
HERBERT: Don't say it.
MAYNARD: Less...
HERBERT: Don't...
MAYNARD: W-w-w-work!
Herbert points toward another broom.
HERBERT: Congratulations. You just volunteered.
The front door opens. Alton Brown enters carrying a reusable shopping basket and studying produce with unusual concentration.
ALTON: Good morning! I'm filming a program on selecting fresh ingredients, and I was told this is still the neighborhood grocery where people actually know their food.
HERBERT: We sell groceries. We don't perform miracles.
Alton walks directly to the produce section. He gently picks up an avocado. Turns it. Feels the stem. Smiles.
DOBIE: That one special?
ALTON: Very.
He scans the avocado with his phone. A small notification appears.
Item Reserved for Order #417.
Next comes a particular Honeycrisp apple. Then a single ribeye with exceptional marbling. Then one loaf of crusty artisan bread.
HERBERT: They're all in inventory. Why reserve individual pieces?
ALTON: Because these aren't interchangeable.
He holds up the avocado.
ALTON: Flour is fungible. One sealed five-pound bag is almost identical to another.
He lifts the steak.
ALTON: This steak isn't. Neither is this apple. People don't shop by SKU. They shop with their eyes.
DOBIE: So the customer gets that exact one?
ALTON: Exactly.
Employees carefully place Alton's selected items into a protected staging area. Each item carries a small digital tag identifying the customer who chose it. An AI system quietly builds delivery routes in the background.
DOBIE: My route's ready already?
STORE TABLET: Delivery Window: 4:15–4:30 PM.
HERBERT: Fifteen minutes?
ALTON: Once enough orders are flowing, yes. Good routing saves driving. Good staging saves searching. Good planning saves everyone time.
MAYNARD peers at the tablet.
MAYNARD: Does the AI carry groceries?
DOBIE: No.
MAYNARD: Drive the truck?
DOBIE: No.
MAYNARD: Load the boxes?
DOBIE: No.
MAYNARD: Then it sounds like it's doing the only job I actually enjoy.
Everyone stares.
MAYNARD: Thinking.
Dobie arrives at Alton's home precisely within the scheduled window and opens the delivery crate. Alton immediately spots the avocado.
ALTON: That's the one I picked.
He checks the steak.
ALTON: Same steak.
The bread still crackles as it cools.
DOBIE: We didn't substitute anything. The system protected every selection.
ALTON: That's exactly what customers remember. They don't remember inventory accuracy. They remember getting the food they actually chose.
Back at Gillis Grocery...
Herbert studies the day's sales report.
HERBERT: Hmmm.
DOBIE: Well?
HERBERT: Delivery costs dropped.
DOBIE: Yep.
HERBERT: Customer complaints dropped.
DOBIE: Yep.
HERBERT: Repeat business went up.
DOBIE: Yep.
Herbert slowly nods.
HERBERT: Maybe there's something to this AI business after all.
Maynard walks in carrying a tiny paper bag.
HERBERT: What's in there?
MAYNARD: One potato.
HERBERT: One?
MAYNARD: Customer specifically picked that potato.
He grins.
MAYNARD: See? Less work... because we only have to get it right once.
Everyone laughs.
Comments